Allergy

So many food allergies

That we all worry about

Parents and teachers

Conditioned to no more peanut butter sandwiches at school

Whole neighborhoods learning to use Epi pens

Inhalers as common as calculators in hallway lockers

But my allergy is worse

My allergy is pretty drastic

My allergy covers the menu

Artisanal loafs of seven grain bread

Truckstop breakfasts

Cinnamon buns

Grande lattes with little works of art inscribed in the foam

Pulled pork and baked beans

Poutine

Grilled cheese sandwiches

Nachos

Roast lamb

Thanksgiving turkey

Even the stuffing is off my menu

Heaping mounds of pasta? Gone

Garlic toast

Clubhouse sandwiches stacked high

With fries

Escargot baked in mushroom caps

Jambalaya steaming hot

Sodas in a frosted glass

Fructose, glucose and corn syrup

Chicken pot pies

And of course, pizza

Whether deep dish

Whole wheat crust

Or baked al forno in a brick oven

Gone

Gone

Gone

What are the symptoms you may well ask

They include

Double chins,

(yes that’s an intentional plural)

Stout full bellied profile

Shortness of breath when you bend over to tie your shoes

So you have to buy loafers and slip-ons

Incipient diabetes

Thighs as big as the trunks of trees

Cellulite deposits growing faster than suburban sprawl

It gets worse when you outgrow the gym clothes

And you can’t find anything larger

Even at Walmart

Sigh

You have to trade in the subcompact with great mileage

For an F150 with good springs

Sideways glances mark your slow progress when you venture

Out

Pitying glances

Arrogant sneers

Nods of commiseration from the others so afflicted

Until finally

You pull yourself away from the table

The diners

Bars and grills

Drive-thru burger joints

Fine dining restaurants dimly lit

Delis serving lox and bagels

Not to mention the frozen food section

Say goodbye to all that

Start to lose the body fat

Fruits and veggies

Nuts and seeds

Are pretty much all that’s left

On which to feed

So the symptoms fade away

Your swollen shape retracts

Returns to form

And you realize

That your allergy has been subverted

Cured

David Trudel   © 2012