Parallel Universe News.
In a surprise announcement this afternoon, the White House in Washington and Canada’s Prime Minister’s Office have released a joint statement acknowledging the existence of a series of programs relating to weather modification, agricultural enhancements, and large scale behavior modification. For years, social activists have suspected the existence of such programs however even the most vociferous critics did not imagine the extent and impact of these activities, which have been running for over twenty years. When asked about the cost of the programs, the Finance Minister would only say that the information was classified.
Each of the programs relies on upper atmospheric spraying of chemicals, biological agents, and other ingredients whose nature remains classified. Both governments claim that the weather modification program has been so successful that they have eradicated climate change. A spokesman at the press briefing indicated that the climate was just where it should be and that no further changes will be tolerated. He went on to say that the economic interests of both countries are being well served by curtailing any further need to address climate change through reduction of greenhouse gas emissions.
Large-scale agri-businesses are applauding the economic benefits resulting from the successful implementation of the agricultural enhancement program and an industry spokesperson praised the success of the program. “It was getting pretty hard to spray pesticides within the old regulatory framework”, he said, adding, “This is way more efficient”.
Officials remained tight-lipped regarding the behavior modification program, except to say that it was a relatively inexpensive by-product of the weather modification program. Officials also pointed out that the adverse health effects caused by the programs were more than offset by the economic benefit resulting from the programs and ensuring the continued prosperity of Canada and the United States. Legislation is being introduced that limits any potential liability for the programs and which makes it illegal to sue either government regarding the programs and even imposes strict penalties for unauthorized research activities.
At the same time, a series of arrests have been made, resulting in the incarceration of several thousand critics on both sides of the border. A spokesperson said that the identification of these critics was “Quite easy, really. These folks are nearly all on Face Book and other social media networks and made no attempt to hide or mask their identities.” Both countries are expected to pass new legislation that limits the assembly of more than fifty persons at one time, along with a time limit of one hour per event, except for government sanctioned events that are in the best economic interests of the country.
In a related story, it has since been revealed that the Republican Party in the United States, and the Conservative Party in Canada have been given exclusive access to the antidote to the Mass Stultification drug, developed as a P3 initiative between the US and Canadian Military forces, and a consortium of private sector interests from the pharmaceutical and bio-chemical sectors. The administration has announced the successful conclusion of the war on drugs, since the entire population of North America will now be administered the powerful new stultification drug by the overhead spraying program. The drug has been clinically proven to completely nullify any other pre-existing addictions or cravings for mood altering substances. It also reduces curiosity to “acceptable” levels, suppresses libido and reduces aggression, particularly in young males. The antidote will be available through the state sanctioned political parties to members who sign the Submission to Moral and Other Authority Agreement.
David Trudel ©2012