At a White House press conference today, President Romney announced the appointment of Todd Akin to the newly created position of Overlord of Public Morals, along with the creation of the Public Morals Office. “The Public Morals Office has been created to expunge the filth and depravity that has insinuated its way into our great, God-fearing nation”, said the President. “I also intend to use the Republican majority in both houses to redraft the laws that govern the judiciary in order to appoint senior clerics to the Supreme Court”, he continued. The sweeping changes are the most dramatic of President Romney’s term in office, which began with a complete revision of the abortion laws, which is now allowed only in cases of imminent danger to the mother’s life and upon the approval of both a doctor and a cleric.
Speaking from a prepared statement, Overlord Akin praised President Romney for his Christian leadership and commitment to rebuilding a faith-based country. He went on to call for an internal crusade and invited the faithful to register with the Public Morals Office and submit their names for deputization. Once approved, Public Morals Deputies will be encouraged to identify anyone who transgresses against God’s laws, who will then be questioned by the Public Morals Office. Serious offences will be punished by forfeiture of property and by a range of biblical punishments.
In related news, the Canadian Border Service reports heavy traffic heading north however they advise that any so-called refugee claimants are being detained and handed over to American authorities. The Mexican border remains closed, as it has been since the completion of the Superwall last year.
David Trudel © 2012